There is no drama.
Well...until a few days ago.
I fear that my disappointment and disgust with my new found humdrum existence absent from drama and excitement, replaced by routine and responsibility, has resulted in my subconscious sabotaging and the disruption of the equilibrium and tranquility of my life.
Maybe it is because i function better when things are going all wrong, when I'm nervous and anxious. Maybe i am a masochist, who finds pleasure in her self-annihilation. Yes, maybe I am just a masochist. Did I know that this would turn out so wrong and did I plan it purposefully so that it would play out like so? And could I even perhaps be a sadist? To go to great lengths to hurt another, to destroy their happiness and lives? Did I do this because deep inside I wanted to hurt him? I've been known to be vengeful, and i have hurted others because misery likes company.
I am misery.
I am lonely.
But....
This is just me speculating, playing devils advocate, because these actions were not done with these abstract ideas and motives in mind. No. They were done simply under the influence of that evil substance that gets me into trouble way too often. It is because the loneliness has been hacking away at my self-sufficiency and self-contentment. Maybe it is because I am like a desert, burning with passion, but no man lives long enough to cross. My search for this man perhaps had driven me to make such a mistake.
I have grown increasingly intolerant of men. None can fill the void, quench the thirst, tame the wild fires that burn within. No. No man excites me. I want no man.
It seems that I am in what some may call a "dry spell." And it is not because I cannot find someone to put out the fire...so many stand in line armored in gear and their hose erect ready to blast the flames away...but as they approach me with such erect hose I burn out even before the task is complete, no longer needing their masculine potency for amidst their eagerness is my reoccurant impotency. My libido, is dead. But this sexual suicide, this masturbatory massacre has no occurred without logical motive.
My sex-drive death is the direct result of my passion impotency. I have lost the passion for everything in my life. Nothing gets me to that orgasmic, climactic euphoria that results when you do something is the throws of passion. We are driven by passion, whether that be sexual passions, relationship passions, love, heartbreak, sorrowful passions, jealous rage, work passions, dream passions, life passions, hobby passions, goal passions and the list continues endlessly. Because I lack the passion essential in all facets of life I feel dead. And it seems that my libido is the physical manifestation that I am dying inside. The flames still burn but when someone comes to help, it all turns to ashes, just to reignite only moments later. This can only be the torturous punishments of the Grecian gods....Oh Zeus I plead to thee, the King of the gods, spare me your humble mortal servant, for I feel like Atlas punished with world among her shoulders, the endlessness of my torment.
And now...for the actual facts.
What happened?
I am stuck in a cycle. Always returning to where I began it seems. There are a host of psychological reasons I am sure I like to live in cycles. Perhaps I scared to completely move on and leave all the past and my roots and childhood behind. Perhaps the personification of Ryer always calls to me and I eagerly follow behind. Maybe I still search for my comfort zone and security blanket now that my mother is so far away. Maybe I just don't want to grow up. I am not sure. But I continue this cycle and found myself exactly where I left it all behind just months ago.
When this blog began I was heartbroken. I was getting over a HIM that had left me for another woman whom he claimed to love. I was thrown away like trash, if you recall. When all this had happened with baby-momma-esque drama and phone calls and threats there was finally peace. I was stuck in the middle of the ghetto-fabulous life of which I was never meant to be a part of. I am far from what people would consider ghetto. After CEO's and closure meetings I was finally free of HIM. The truth is I do not have an ounce of love for him. I do not want him sexually. I do not want him at all. Or at least I didn't think so....but 4 nights ago I made a mistake of calling him. With a failed attempt to put my phone on private, because technology smells fear, a certain female picked up. And the rest is history....literally history...history repeats itself. So now I am stuck in this foolish drama because of my foolishness. I really just wanted to say hi, as warped as that may seem. I am warped and so jaded. Why did I do that?
I wish I had the answers. I really am not sure why? Did I secretly desire him? Deep inside am I still craving him? Because honestly I thought I was through. But sometimes the subconscious has a way of crawling to the surface when alcohol is involved. What does this all mean?
So now I am dealing with the consequences of something that seems so irrelevant, so childish, so insignificant. I told her it wasn't what she thought...but i guess that's what all mistresses would say, wouldn't they?
I dreamt of it all last night and she was going to kill me....I RAN!!!!! When I woke up my heart was palpitating out of my chest and into my ears...and I was panting so hard...I didn't want to sleep anymore when I awoke...I don't want to sleep anymore.
I have decided to give up these fantasies and stop wanting my life to play out like a story because it never ends well. All great stories end in tragedy...the hero/the protagonist always dies. This tragic epic will end like all great Shakespearean tragedies....Hamlet, Romeo and Juliet, Othello...we all die...literally and symbolically.
After this situation I am reminded of the good that comes from humdrum existence, of living reality. Today I live reality. No more hypothetical situations and allowing the imagination to take over the rationality.
and the irony of it all is that all i wanted was for it to "blink blue and it finally be you"
now
I stare at my phone hoping it blinks green
green go
green leave me alone
green start anew
green life
green real life
blink green
blink green
blink green.
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