Comfortably numb

My days are no longer countable. Days go in and out with such irrelevance that I wonder how they can possibly count as life.
I looked for my pulse last night, but I couldn't feel it.
And I listened for my heartbeat, but I couldn't hear it.
I think I might be dead.
Is there anybody in there?
I have become comfortably numb.
I can't even tell the difference between life and death.

Today as I entered the train a man told me to smile. I awkwardly responded and then went into my shell, where im safe and alone, where no one can reach me, where no one can hurt me.

And later along the ride, again he tries to penetrate my shield, this time successfully puncturing a hole right through to my innermost vulnerable layer.

"I can see it in your eyes" he told me.
"You are so sad"

And god, I am just so sad all the time.

And he could see right through me.

"You have a good defense mechanism, but stop it, stop lying. You just want someone to love you, a good man" he warned me.

And god have I been lying. Role playing my days away, just pretending to fill this void but feeling emptier and emptier as each day passes.

Abruptly I had to leave the station because it was my stop, I ran out like Cinderella, leaving my shield behind.

He tore me open, and there I was helpless and exposed. Now how would I protect myself? And now here I am, so vulnerable, wishing I could find the way to piece back my armor, but not being able to. Once your ripped open that way, all your innermost secrets, all your kryptonite fears out in the open, you're never the same again.

Who was this mad stranger and how did he see me, behind the facade and all the bullshit all my pain. God, all my pain.

Where do I go from here?

How do I heal this broken heart?

"There's a possibility that all I had, is all im gonna get"

There's a strong possibility, rather a likeliness that I've already reached the peak of my life and its all down hill after this.
There's quite a strong possibility that it doesn't get any better than this.
Could this be it?
Is there nothing more to look forward to?

I wish I was wearing his selfish kiss.
Adorned in his random love and his filthy glamour and bad romance and his nasty...all his nasty.

But I can't remember how...

Although he's the only one I see.

I don't know what he looks like anymore.

Wanting your cake and eating it too

Why in the world do you keep bothering me?
Saying you miss me, telling me you want to take me out to dinner and mending out friendship and relationship and starting over, doing things you've never done before and yet doing exactly what you did before, having your cake and eating it too.

How is that you tell me you would take anything you can get from just as long as im in your life again?

And yet you're with her and trying to cheat on her with me, its always me the head mistress.

But I won't ever let you use me that way, never again will you use me that way. I hate you.

Its the typical HIM from long ago that broke me...

You ask if I still think of you and I do, all the time, many times a week your this dark memory that never leaves me...and now all I can do is remember the bad times. Time escapes me and yet my heart isn't healed, im so wounded ill never be able to let go.

I tell HIM that it means that ill never be the same after him, that long after he's been gone ill never be able to love another that way. Its means ill never forgive him. It means that I still hate him and ill avoid him at every cost. That's what it means..."

He never responded after that.

Because he wants his cake and wants to eat it too. But he already ate me whole and there's nothing left.

And Im not a fucking piece of cake.

TRYING TO HoLd on.............

It seems that the harder you try to hold on...the further from grace you fall.



















I don't know why it is that the more positive I want to be, the more negative I become.
And the better person I want to be, the worse person I become.
and the less I try to cry, the easier my tears flow.

I wish that life and love and relationships had a manual to them...that someone would tell me how to love my father better and how to appreciate my mother more. I wish that someone would teach me how to help my sister more and communicate with my brother a little better. I want someone to remind me to call my nieces and tell them I love them and visit my nephew and open my heart to him just once. And explain to me how to be more selfless, less narcissistic...to quit the habit of self destruction and self loathing while simultaneously hurting everyone I love, murdering everyone around me. I need someone to tell me the secret to healing a broken soul and mending a broken heart. And maybe, just maybe reveal the guidelines to becoming a better friend, a better lover, a better person, a better me.

But no one has those answers, but me, not even me, no one has those answers.

So I continue to fall from grace.