Circles ultimately lead you to a place where it all begins and where it all ends...they say that life is full of dajavu moments...moments when you realize that you've been there before...that you have experienced it before...that in the present there was a before and an after that was exactly the same...
Maybe life is just a finite circle that ends where it begins...but how many circles to we have along the way? Are our lives just the rings of the trunk of a tree... natural calculations that describe the journey of our lives...identical yet not so identical rings? abstract yet tangible manifestations? At the end of my life will i see these rings come full circle and finally make sense?
I arrived in Puerto Rico unconscious of the gravity of the decision.
Unaware that this vacation was not simply a convenience of time...but a very deliberate, preordained decision that fell right into the proper time line. This was no accident.
My first night back "home" if you like to call the place that holds your memories, home...and went straight to my memory box to refresh the mind and the heart of an experience that has been blurred by distance and time. The magnetic force of nostalgia draws me in with its gravitational pull and yet simultaneously repels me. Fighting off the longing to feel....reminding myself how much it hurts to feel...
But without much of a choice I open the diaries of the past and enter the realm of HIM. It's not that reading about him made me love him again and it didn't make me miss him...what saddened me was the tales of severed heart who thought she endured an abusive relationship but in fact at the end had died. He killed that girl. I felt like I could no longer identify with her. Who was she? Surely not me. It felt as if I was reading a story like any other...tragic Shakespearean love tales about lovers malady and vengeful horrors in the name of love...and I wanted so bad to understand how it all happened, how it all began and how she had blindly let it spiral out of control but I just couldn't understand. I read her stream of consciousness and all the pain that swelled in her heart...but it seemed so far away in time that it couldn't have been me....it wasn't me. Hadn't she survived at the end? Hadn't she survived the ills of heartbreak? Didn't I get over him and that awful relationship?
Some part of me died.
And I don't know if I'll ever be that girl from that tragic tale?
But who would want to be her anyway?
As I replayed the stories in my head, trying to calculate the time line of events it hit me.
My life had come full circle...
Here I was reading about the bloody murder to my heart just a year ago. And here I am in the same place where it all feel apart...at exactly the same time...
At the end of February of 2009 I took a trip to NY to see HIM for his birthday before I departed to PR...but I didn't see him...and after my vacation i again went to NY to see him on March 8 when i lost him. A cancerous fate...a pain so grave I lost my life to it...and upon reading her struggle did I realized my circle of life...A Lovers Life and Death...
but maybe...just maybe there is such thing as life after death....maybe I can be reborn.
Reincarnation....
My renaissance.
The reinvention of self.
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