I am flawed.
I am imperfect.
I am unusual.
I am unique.
I am addictive.
I am addicted.
He is flawed.
He is imperfect.
He is unusual.
He is unique.
He is addictive.
He is addicted.
What are we?
Who is He?
Who am I?
Why is it that we women often lose ourselves in love?
Why is it that we feel that men complete us, give our lives that extra edge to fill the void and lonely nights?
Why is it that most women are either whores(not in the derogatory sense but in the liberating sense) or serial monagomers, but so few decide to be completely single? And if we find ourselves in a "dry spell" it is a moment of depression, vulnerability and rejection? Why is it that we feel less of a woman, without a man?
For once I would like to be completely single and actually enjoy it. To find great company and remedy to loneliness in myself. But starting too early in the game sometimes results in one having trouble deciphering between the self and the self with him.
I am guilty of losing myself in love, rather than finding myself in it. I just lose touch with my own reality and existence separate from him, separate from our relationship. I start to dwell on the us, good and bad,sometimes losing myself in the sweet memories and sometimes the bitter thoughts. I contemplate what I feel and whether not to leave them, that my days become consumed by the HIM in my life at the moment.
History has a funny way of repeating itself, especially when you haven't learned from the mistakes. I have yet to learn that the only way of loving another and being loved is first to love yourself.
I have decided to step back a little from the HIM to find the ME in US. I have to start walking away from something that makes me so happy, from a man who I can spend the rest of my days with because I think I jumped into this way too soon. Have I completely healed from the previous heartache? How can I do this, get to know him when at this crossroad in my life, I don't even know myself. How can I give him what he wants,what he deserves when I don't yet know what I want, what i deserve. I think I've lost track of the direction I was headed in, towards self-discovery and growth. He helps me to love myself better, just the way I am...but I need to do this alone, don't I? Maybe we're just wasting each other's time, getting in each other's way when we have to build our separate lives and then merge. We are merging too soon. Correction, I am merging too soon. He continues his life, goals and aspirations while I have seemed to put my life on hold. When I'm with him I feel like a baby, like his baby. I don't have to worry. I don't have to care. I don't have to be anyone but who I am now, but the problem is who I am now just isn't good enough. I am disappointed in myself for allowing love to consume me again, for getting lost in the high of desire.
But this time I will learn...even if I have to break hearts to learn my lesson, except I fear that the heart I will be breaking will be my own.
Help.
Heartbreak is part of maturing. Heartbreak is the worst pain, and yet the greatest lesson. I like to think heartbreak as the pain u feel when you touch a hot stove. You know the pain, and rite then and there your brain stores in its lil cabinet called "pain" to never touch a hot stove again. But for some reason we only associate "pain" with THAT particular stove. We think every stove is different, and so rather than staying away from ALL stoves, we have to be hard headed and learn things the hard way, and touch every damn stove.
ReplyDeleteUntil one day we say ENOUGH with the damn pain, im done with (stoves) all together. What I do, I go sit in a room, until my wounds heal from all the burns, make a mental note that I can do and should do better, and each and everyday I try to better myself. Like I said, I wake up every morning and say "Danielle your the shit", even those days when I cant stand my reflection, I force myself to say those words. And each day I try to find a lil piece of me that I lost along the way.
Dont put band-aids on ur wounds Evy, they dont do anything but stop the wound from bleeding temporarily. Band-aids arent a remedy to healing. Just like your body naturally heals a cut, it will also heal your heart. Just give it time.
Hey while I was tryinf to find myself I started dancing again. I remembered how much I loved it, and how my mind was free whenever I danced. And I know your happy now b/c you were in LOVE with my dancing..lol..love ya hun!