The Heart of the Matter...FORGIVENESS

Once and a while you put your ipod on shuffle and you encounter a song that you forgot you loved, a song that you forgot you owned, but most importantly a song that you needed to hear at that very moment. The ipod must read minds, there is no other explanation for the shuffle phenomenon.

Today I went on the top of my roof and starred at the beautiful green serene scenery, feeling the tranquility of the blue dynamic waters that are found near my home in Puerto Rico. The scene was immaculate, beautiful, so beautiful you want to cry. How can nature be this beautiful, I wondered. Nature is amazing in the way that it is constantly dynamic, ever changing, even stagnant waters seem in motion when reflected against the rays of the sun. People never change, you know that? But nature, nature is evolution. I like this about nature. I wish I could evolve...and I guess that's exactly what I am trying to do at this point in my life. I am trying so hard to evolve, to change, to become a better version of myself.

Today I allowed myself to reflect on the past month, past few months actually, and allowed myself to hurt one last time. I played all my meditative music, which are by both Mogwai and Sigur Ros(I suggest all to check these artists out. They are phenomenal, probably would have to say my favorites. They are profound and beautifully tragic, and each one open to interpretation and appropriation.) So I sat for a while looking up to the sky, the clouds forming, moving, traveling through space...and I cried. It was this gratifying release that I didn't even wish to understand, some things are better left vague, misunderstood, a mystery. One of my good friends has told me that she sometimes enjoys her pain and allows herself to be swallowed by it once and a while, and this while sounds perhaps a little unnerving, is completely normal and completely satisfying. There is this guilty masochistic gratification that comes from being hurt and sad, and of allowing yourself to be consumed by it. There is nothing wrong with this. I truly believe that everyone, especially women, have a very masochistic nature. While we women complain about how men hurt us, or friends betray us, or any other problem, it is LIBERATING to hurt. When you allow yourself to release, to experience the pain of the heart, you become completely vulnerable to your emotions and succumb to the feelings. To experience emotion with the loss of all inhibitions and self-judgement, that is a truly beautiful experience, probably one of the greatest a human being can feel. Our rationality prohibits us from getting loss in just being, in existing, in our different states of self, and state of mind. So today, I reflected and meditated on my existence, on my sense of self, on my heart. And when you let your heart hurt, bleed, die...you are able to be resurrected. Today I was reborn.

And when I came back to life, I decided to put my ipod on shuffle and there, at the right time, "The Heart of the Matter" by India Arie.

"I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore....

All the people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on
You keep carryin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside
I want a happily everafter
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore"


So today I let it all out, all the pain and hatred and I forgave him. Because I cannot move on unless I forgive him. Sometimes we can't explain why things happen and why those whom we love are the ones to abandon us, to betray us, and to hurt us...why those we love the most, can't ever love us back to the magnitude in which we love them...but at the end it is a matter of life. I want to keep living my life and loving it, and as I forgive him and release all the negative emotions, I am able to make room for other emotions like happiness, tranquility, and bliss.


IT'S ABOUT FORGIVENESS...