Tell me, how did I get here?

Planner and pen in hand eager to get to the breakfast table monday morning.
After every weekend we took a poll.
I flipped to the end of my planner where a long written rubric tallied men by certain criteria.
Hoping that id have the highest points, making me ruthless and masculine, indifferent and a whore...and nothing made me happier.

In my youth I was ruthless.
I craved the scent of wounded boy.
Feeding off of their vulnerability.
I killed them all.
And those who dare to put up a fight...those stronger, more heartless than I...I would bow down to them with much earned respect. I loved them...those were the ones I'd die for....

Today though, I look into the mirror and I barely recognize myself.
Who is this imposter?
This hurt soul?
When did I come to care so much?
When did the tin woman get her heart?

It seems that today I no longer search for love...not even amidst drunken stupor do I call to HIM or him or them. I have completely shut down. The thought of a man actually repulses me, of him in the flesh sweating and panting and heaving over me...the thought of all his lies and all the hurt and everything that follows when you dare to love man. I can't anymore.

Im sure it has something to do with pure exhaustion from trying. It has to be HIM he spoiled me...I am ruined.

Will I ever allow someone in?
Or will I be a cynical lonely woman for the rest of my life?

What do you believe in when you've lost faith in love?

Where do I go from here?