Tell me, how did I get here?

Planner and pen in hand eager to get to the breakfast table monday morning.
After every weekend we took a poll.
I flipped to the end of my planner where a long written rubric tallied men by certain criteria.
Hoping that id have the highest points, making me ruthless and masculine, indifferent and a whore...and nothing made me happier.

In my youth I was ruthless.
I craved the scent of wounded boy.
Feeding off of their vulnerability.
I killed them all.
And those who dare to put up a fight...those stronger, more heartless than I...I would bow down to them with much earned respect. I loved them...those were the ones I'd die for....

Today though, I look into the mirror and I barely recognize myself.
Who is this imposter?
This hurt soul?
When did I come to care so much?
When did the tin woman get her heart?

It seems that today I no longer search for love...not even amidst drunken stupor do I call to HIM or him or them. I have completely shut down. The thought of a man actually repulses me, of him in the flesh sweating and panting and heaving over me...the thought of all his lies and all the hurt and everything that follows when you dare to love man. I can't anymore.

Im sure it has something to do with pure exhaustion from trying. It has to be HIM he spoiled me...I am ruined.

Will I ever allow someone in?
Or will I be a cynical lonely woman for the rest of my life?

What do you believe in when you've lost faith in love?

Where do I go from here?

"If you build it, they will come"

My field of dreams has become a desert, a barren wasteland, that no one will cross.
It burns with passion, engulfed in flames...but no one will come put the fire out.
In my field of dreams I wait in utter despair hoping that he will come.

"If you build it, they will come"

It is only when I accept the dry ash my fruitless garden has become; only when I close up the access, each orphice of my body; only when I build the dam to they flock to me.

The last few days I needed someone. Anyone. I was lonely, really there is no other way to put it. The last days I have been clinging to anyone who would have my company. But today....today I woke up without a care for the male species. He, is...they are....IRRELEVANT. And due to my lack of admiration or disdain for the male species and my pure and sincere indifference resulted in every man including HIM to flock to my woman breast for feed.

Nay.

When they come.

I no longer welcome them.

Why is it that only when you close yourself off from the world. When you dam up the emotions and block your heart. Why is that when I no longer feel...they come?

For once id like to be open and let my emotions flood out, bathe them in my hopes and fears and all my love without drowning them.

AN ARRANGED MARRIAGE

Have you ever found the perfect guy but couldn't like him even if your life depended on it?

"I really should like him." You keep telling yourself.
"he's such a nice guy." You justify it.
"Hell do so much for me" you convince yourself.

But the heart cannot doth do, what the mind doth tells it to"

In other words...quit trying to arrange a marriage out of convenience, out of functionality and sheer desperation.

Love is random. Sporadic. And when you least expect it. Your mind will go numb and the heart will take over. That's love. All rationale out the window....

Vanilla sky

"Open your eyes"
"Open your eyes"

I dream so often, I have trouble deciphering dreams from reality.
My dreams are extensions of reality, engineered to be more gratifying.
But even amongst vanilla skies and sunsets and bliss, the subconscious has a way of resurfacing the nightmares of your reality.
In my dreams...
I die.
My heart dies.
And even when I wake, I can't bring it back to life...

I wish that I could exist in a fabricated world where my dreams are reality and id never have to awaken to the nightmares of true existence.

In my world I can fly without consequences.
I reincarnate into a bird, soaring above reach, free...intangeable. Abstract. Im a bird. And I cry melancholic raindrops that drown the people below. A storm of sorrow. A tsunami of emotion. An earthquake of revenge. A fire of rage. I am natural chaos.

And I just want to be tamed.

But I keep flying away.

Wake up.

"Open your eyes"
"Open your eyes"

Lying in bed lying

Usually when I lie in bed I lie to myself.
Mostly in a trance trying to convince myself that things are going to be okay.
But they usually never are.
But every night this is my ritual, because lying is the only way to avoid a nervous breakdown.
I want to breakdown, to fall to a place where ill never be found again.
But every morning im found.

My mind becomes the lost and found bin, where vintage treasures and memorabilia and trash is stored hoping that one day the mosaic of leftover, the collage of waste might mean something more. That among the ambiguity and doubts there are answers. Finite answers. But I've only found questions.

New Year: WHEN DID UGLY BECOME THE NEW SEXY?

He's ugly.
yes, yes, he is just ugly.
I mean, he's not a monster or anything....but he has not one attractive feature on his face.
I mean...
He probably could pass for some kind of animal...
Yes he had to be a monkey in his former life....yes....evolution failed him, stopped a stage too short and Darwin totally fucked him over.

Then why do you want him so bad?

Because his primitive looks makes me hot. This caveman rubbed his stick together and ignited a fire!

Is it sick that the fact that he is so unattractive is what draws me to him?

Ugly is the new sexy. I am now sure of this. And what better way to bring in the new year with a sexy contradiction?
***
I've been thinking about my caveman all day and the thought of his ugly ass makes me so excited I can barely contain myself.

I think what makes him so irresistible is that it is no surprise that he is unattractive, I'm sure he knows this, but he is so confident and charismatic and fun. This inner sex appeal seeps through his pores and intoxicates you. I can't stop thinking about him.

And why does this all matter?

Ugly being the new sexy makes me wonder what this means for the new year?

Last night for one moment, just ONE very BRIEF moment, I thought about HIM. The fact that HIM and HER met on that very same day a year ago and that they were probably celebrating their one year anniversary and that maybe as I brought in the new year with family and friends and my love for alcohol and fashion...he was spending it completely submersed in his love for HER. for only a second the thought saddened me. I caught myself glaring out to the disco lights and the mass of people enjoying themselves on the dance floor. It all seemed so insignificant.

I thought how if maybe I would have picked up that phone call at 12am Jan 1 2009 he would probably still be mine. The responsibility and alcohol weighed heavily on my eyelids, tears pooling and wanting so badly to make their way to the surface but I wouldn't bring the new year in such dramatic despair. Imagine, waterworks in the middle of a club? That is just too manic, even for me.

So instead i took another cup of Henney to the face and plastered a pseudo-grin to my face and before I realized, it was real...and there was laughter and joy. Not even Bachata could trigger nostalgia anymore. Sometimes....sometimes...alcohol numbs the pain...and when it doesn't, it makes you hysterical.

Lucky, no hysteria.

This is my year and I can't allow HIM and nostalgia and the thoughts of what were and what are and what could of been but never really would have been hinder my life. It is impossible to erase...but try...

TRY.

So I grabbed my caveman and danced the night away and before I realized what was going on there was a chemistry I hadn't felt in a really long time. For the first time I was STARLIGHT without HIM. and now I am certain that I was STARLIGHT because of ME, not because of HIM.

so this year I am going to be STARLIGHT AND STARDUST and glitter the world with my talents.

"DON'T CALL ME EVY. YOU'VE NEVER SEEN ONE LIKE THIS BEFORE"

A hole in the face fills the void

Its gonna hurt...
Close your eyes, tightly...
Clench ur fists...and hold on to anything, anyone and don't let go until its over.
Is it over yet?
Pain shouldn't come to much of a surprise to me, but it always does...but this time when you plan it, when you make an appointment to get hurt...its not as bad...its better when you expect it.

So from now on ill always expect it.

When he clamps hard on it, know that its only the beginning...the grip follows the burning sensation and agony from stab. He punctures straight through the layers and he leaves you for dead.

Now, that wasn't so bad was it?

But it was.

It is.

He pierced right through...and ill never be the same...

Now im branded, the physical manifestation that ill always be different after him and the hole in my face reminds me that im no longer the same.

After the pain subsides and it stops burning, you become sore and after you can twist and turn metal daggers in the wound..your healed...

But it never closes.

You still have a hole in your face.

But what does this hole remind me??? That post pain, you are never the same but you're still you.

Now this hole in my face shows others who I really am even when I try to hide.

So when they meet me they already know there's something more. They can look right through the hole and see down to my core, the inner most me, the real me. Down to each layer.