A few days ago, after a very long and interesting evening/morning I got home around 5 am and still felt my night wasn't over. By now I felt sober and I lay in bed dialing the number, starring and then deleting it over and over again. I wanted to call but couldn't find the words...So I figured that since love letters are my specialty, that I would text instead to break the ice...
After the longest text of my life...i received an instant reply...uhhh I wasn't actually prepared for him to respond...We text back and forth and had an hour long conversation via phone. It was dejavu, because i found myself sprawled across the kitchen floor and him telling me to hop in a cab and see him, and there was reminiscing about good times and requests to put "that sexy shit on." and I didn't have the will power to refuse when I had wanted it for far too long. This may be my only chance to be free of this captivity...or maybe simply to indulge in the forbidden desires that we crave for. I craved him. The thought of having him in my mouth again made me tingle inside. I thirsted for him, and he was the only thing that would be able to quench it.
I asked him one real question, allowing myself to leave the past in the past because I have forgiven him, I asked "Why wasn't I good enough?" He reassured me that I was, that he still thinks of me, that the things I had done to him no woman will ever and has never done. I had introduced him to a world that he will never forget, one that no one can compare to, one he will crave for forever. Upon that statement I had a great epiphany! This entire time when reminiscing, when missing him, it was only sexual. I can never deny that the sexual chemistry, the physical intimacy in which we participated in and shared, will never compare to any other in the past or in the future. But there was no real relationship there. We were lovers...great lovers...star-crossed lovers...but outside of the bed we were strangers. I had committed the ever so common mistake---confuse lust for love! It wasn't until realizing this was I able to agree to seeing him. You only live once right?
I agreed to see HIM. Finally....HIM.
I snuck out of my house like I used to many months ago to see HIM. I looked at my father in a deep slumber and fought back tears knowing how much it would sadden him to see me doing this again. He hated seeing me this way...bleeding in love...driven by the desire for him, by the obsession with him. So many times he would walk into the house or wake up from his sleep to find me on the kitchen floor or the floor of our rooms drinking away my sorrows, waiting by the phone in angst, in hope, in desperation....often wallowing in drunken tears. He has seen me time and time again rummaging through the drawers and darkness finding lingerie and outfits and dolling myself all up, to then fall asleep waiting for a call that didn't come until 4 and 5 am...this is when the call would come and this is when i awakened and hopped into a cab and made my way to him even with eyes still wide shut. I was so blind. This my father knew all too well and as I shut the door with my clothes and accessories and the disappointment...I felt the weight of his uncried tears, of his unconscious sadness...of seeing, of knowing, of feeling his daughter fall into the pit of love relapse and binging on HIM.
I called a cab like old times and when it neared, I slowly closed the door behind me and put on my boots while sitting on the cold linoleum stairs of my building. For a moment I had this sense of impeding doom reaching and I was just so scared. I was scared that maybe I would see him and fall deeply into love with him again. What would I do if it was instant love and what would I allow myself to become amidst such love addiction?
As I neared to his building I thought this is it Ivelisse, you have just committed suicide! This decision, you will surely live to regret..
The building was immaculate melancholy that made me want to cry. Magnificent and tragic. I missed being there, feeling like I belonged there and belonged to him. I like the thought of being owned.
"Buzz me up"
I walked up the stairs ever so slowly, my heart racing, my legs heavy and feeling imobile. Would I ever reach the top? The endless stairway to my heaven, to my hell, to my paradise, to my Garden of Eden, and yet to the inferno that engulfs me in the imprisoning flames of passion. Yes...this was everything i ever wanted, and everything I have ever feared.
Panting now, I reached the top and waited. As he opened the pearly iron gates, there was complete certainty in my attraction to him. I fed off of him and I just wanted to drop to my knees, he's like a little prayer and I can feel his power...yes Madonna, I wanted to pray to him...I saw the face of god and his name is _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _.
Nervous short conversation and then contemplating this was a bad decision and should just RUN, run far away from HIM. But then I remembered my epiphany and I looked at him and realized he was a stranger...He is different. I am different. I want his body, to indulge in his delicious flesh...but past that we can remain strangers. Sex...yes...with no strings attached.
I kissed him...and the world spun into a frenzy...and I entered in the world of lust...Doing things to him that i have dreamt for months and the things that I may never be able to experience with anyone...I satisfied my craving that day and my CEO even contacted me while captivated in HIM...and I text back...because CEO while brief, nanoseconds...it was real. I knew him better in that month, more about him, than I had known about HIM in a year. And by texting CEO back...I let go of HIM.
I left with the most nonchalant demenor, something he has always hated about me. Before I walked out I said, thanks for giving me one last time. He suggested that this may not have to be the last time, but i insisted that I had achieved transcendence and was grateful for CLOSURE. I didn't NEED him anymore. but I know that i may WANT him from time to time....
One last question I asked: "Why didn't you choose me? Why her and not me?" and like typical G-skills, he reversed it making it seem like fate and me being away and excuse upon excuse.
"Spare me I said, keep it straight funky."
"How can you be so nonchalant about this?" he asked.
I said "because I have forgiven you. I'm over it, love. You can never hurt me the way you did, you don't have the power to hurt me anymore."
He replied "I just don't know, it just happened."
I cut the convo short knowing nothing he said would matter, would never matter...because that night i objectified him. That night I castrated him. That night I dismembered him. That night i dehumanized him. He is just a phallus. and my heart is now free!
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