NOSTALGIA

OK, Ok, Ok...I miss him. Yes.

Yesterday I went back to old familiar ways and I had a blast like whoa mad fun! Sort of forgot how much being myself was before I tried to be too serious. I'm focusing on me and that includes job search, graduate school search and most definitely fun search. I was so distracted and entertained that I almost forgot to think of him, which is pretty sweet considering how heartbroken I usually get. That doesn't mean I didn't cry though, don't get it twisted. Yesterday when the sun set it hit me after being in utter shock. Yoskar Srante sings La Noche:

"Tu amor de noche me llegó

Un claro dia se me fue.
Maldigo al sol que se llevó
Tus juramentos y mi fe.

Tu amor el dia me hace odiar.
La noche apaga mi rencor.
Porque ella viene a recordar.
Que no soy nada sin tu amor.

La noche
Me hace volver,
enloquecer."

When the night fell I just sobbed, and I don't mean those forced once stimulated by nostalgia. No. It wasn't even the kind that you gasp for air. No. Not ridiculous or melodramatic. No. It was the saddest, quietest cry. It was mellow. I sat on my bed and let the tears stream down. It made me realize how much I had actually liked him and how much I'd actually missed him. This month that I had been with him made me realize that I had been confused, crocodile tears and yearning for my ex, when in fact I didn't want him. Now that I have nothing to stop me from going back to Ryer, from seeing my ex, I just don't want to. I finally don't want my ex anymore. I don't want anyone actually. I like my solitude...well sort of.

After night completely fell and I cried in its darkness, my eyes swollen, my nose running, I sighed a sigh of relief and got dolled up and walked out the door. My cousin said I'm too good hearted and I have too much faith in people...my mom told me the same thing yesterday. Apparently I'm naive. What? I didn't even think I was but my good hearted nature, supposedly makes me blind to the true nature of people. Damn...

I walked out the door about 9:00pm and didn't get home until about 7:00am....talk about fun! and to top it all off I was sober! yay!!!!

Today I woke up around 3 pm and walked out the door not much later and just got in around 12am. Thinking about making some moves but not sure yet, and now that I have given myself some down time I can't help but think about tomorrow...

Tomorrow is my nieces birthday and when we gather my brother will ask me how the boo is doing like he always does since I met him and I'll have to say there is no boo. Pito was rooting for the boo...I was rooting for him too. It will sadden me to tell him that once again I chose wrongly.

When I told my best friend about everything that ensued I also had to face the fact that I had made a big mistake. He wasn't the person my friend was talking about...ooopppssss...so maybe he didn't lie. Maybe it was real...It felt so real. It had to be real, what we shared and all. But because of my accusations I also learned about the rawness of his reality that because of mother nature and dumb mistakes I will no longer be able to be with him. I'm upset. and I'm jealous. I should have been her...I deserved to be her.

In the haze of nostalgia I looked to facebook but he wasn't there. And while in intense investigation I remembered our first facebook conversation I saved and I read it. Damn...how was that not real? How wasn't that suppose to last? I'm so confused. I was so sure....If I would have known that right now we weren't going to be together I know that I would have sucked him dry...seen him more, moved faster, gotten all the CEO I could handle...but I took it slow thinking this was everlasting.

I'll save that convo so whenever I am in the mood to take a trip down memory lane...

Ughhhhh....

That is the only way to describe this situation...ughhhh....

BLINK BLUE.

BLINK BLUE.

BLINK BLUE.

BLINK BLUE

BLINK BLUE.

BLINK BLUE.

PLEASE

BLINK BLUE.