"There's a possibility that all I had, is all im gonna get"

There's a strong possibility, rather a likeliness that I've already reached the peak of my life and its all down hill after this.
There's quite a strong possibility that it doesn't get any better than this.
Could this be it?
Is there nothing more to look forward to?

I wish I was wearing his selfish kiss.
Adorned in his random love and his filthy glamour and bad romance and his nasty...all his nasty.

But I can't remember how...

Although he's the only one I see.

I don't know what he looks like anymore.

Wanting your cake and eating it too

Why in the world do you keep bothering me?
Saying you miss me, telling me you want to take me out to dinner and mending out friendship and relationship and starting over, doing things you've never done before and yet doing exactly what you did before, having your cake and eating it too.

How is that you tell me you would take anything you can get from just as long as im in your life again?

And yet you're with her and trying to cheat on her with me, its always me the head mistress.

But I won't ever let you use me that way, never again will you use me that way. I hate you.

Its the typical HIM from long ago that broke me...

You ask if I still think of you and I do, all the time, many times a week your this dark memory that never leaves me...and now all I can do is remember the bad times. Time escapes me and yet my heart isn't healed, im so wounded ill never be able to let go.

I tell HIM that it means that ill never be the same after him, that long after he's been gone ill never be able to love another that way. Its means ill never forgive him. It means that I still hate him and ill avoid him at every cost. That's what it means..."

He never responded after that.

Because he wants his cake and wants to eat it too. But he already ate me whole and there's nothing left.

And Im not a fucking piece of cake.

TRYING TO HoLd on.............

It seems that the harder you try to hold on...the further from grace you fall.



















I don't know why it is that the more positive I want to be, the more negative I become.
And the better person I want to be, the worse person I become.
and the less I try to cry, the easier my tears flow.

I wish that life and love and relationships had a manual to them...that someone would tell me how to love my father better and how to appreciate my mother more. I wish that someone would teach me how to help my sister more and communicate with my brother a little better. I want someone to remind me to call my nieces and tell them I love them and visit my nephew and open my heart to him just once. And explain to me how to be more selfless, less narcissistic...to quit the habit of self destruction and self loathing while simultaneously hurting everyone I love, murdering everyone around me. I need someone to tell me the secret to healing a broken soul and mending a broken heart. And maybe, just maybe reveal the guidelines to becoming a better friend, a better lover, a better person, a better me.

But no one has those answers, but me, not even me, no one has those answers.

So I continue to fall from grace.

THE CIRCLE OF LIFE

Circles ultimately lead you to a place where it all begins and where it all ends...they say that life is full of dajavu moments...moments when you realize that you've been there before...that you have experienced it before...that in the present there was a before and an after that was exactly the same...

Maybe life is just a finite circle that ends where it begins...but how many circles to we have along the way? Are our lives just the rings of the trunk of a tree... natural calculations that describe the journey of our lives...identical yet not so identical rings? abstract yet tangible manifestations? At the end of my life will i see these rings come full circle and finally make sense?

I arrived in Puerto Rico unconscious of the gravity of the decision.
Unaware that this vacation was not simply a convenience of time...but a very deliberate, preordained decision that fell right into the proper time line. This was no accident.

My first night back "home" if you like to call the place that holds your memories, home...and went straight to my memory box to refresh the mind and the heart of an experience that has been blurred by distance and time. The magnetic force of nostalgia draws me in with its gravitational pull and yet simultaneously repels me. Fighting off the longing to feel....reminding myself how much it hurts to feel...

But without much of a choice I open the diaries of the past and enter the realm of HIM. It's not that reading about him made me love him again and it didn't make me miss him...what saddened me was the tales of severed heart who thought she endured an abusive relationship but in fact at the end had died. He killed that girl. I felt like I could no longer identify with her. Who was she? Surely not me. It felt as if I was reading a story like any other...tragic Shakespearean love tales about lovers malady and vengeful horrors in the name of love...and I wanted so bad to understand how it all happened, how it all began and how she had blindly let it spiral out of control but I just couldn't understand. I read her stream of consciousness and all the pain that swelled in her heart...but it seemed so far away in time that it couldn't have been me....it wasn't me. Hadn't she survived at the end? Hadn't she survived the ills of heartbreak? Didn't I get over him and that awful relationship?

Some part of me died.
And I don't know if I'll ever be that girl from that tragic tale?
But who would want to be her anyway?

As I replayed the stories in my head, trying to calculate the time line of events it hit me.

My life had come full circle...

Here I was reading about the bloody murder to my heart just a year ago. And here I am in the same place where it all feel apart...at exactly the same time...

At the end of February of 2009 I took a trip to NY to see HIM for his birthday before I departed to PR...but I didn't see him...and after my vacation i again went to NY to see him on March 8 when i lost him. A cancerous fate...a pain so grave I lost my life to it...and upon reading her struggle did I realized my circle of life...A Lovers Life and Death...

but maybe...just maybe there is such thing as life after death....maybe I can be reborn.

Reincarnation....

My renaissance.

The reinvention of self.

Tell me, how did I get here?

Planner and pen in hand eager to get to the breakfast table monday morning.
After every weekend we took a poll.
I flipped to the end of my planner where a long written rubric tallied men by certain criteria.
Hoping that id have the highest points, making me ruthless and masculine, indifferent and a whore...and nothing made me happier.

In my youth I was ruthless.
I craved the scent of wounded boy.
Feeding off of their vulnerability.
I killed them all.
And those who dare to put up a fight...those stronger, more heartless than I...I would bow down to them with much earned respect. I loved them...those were the ones I'd die for....

Today though, I look into the mirror and I barely recognize myself.
Who is this imposter?
This hurt soul?
When did I come to care so much?
When did the tin woman get her heart?

It seems that today I no longer search for love...not even amidst drunken stupor do I call to HIM or him or them. I have completely shut down. The thought of a man actually repulses me, of him in the flesh sweating and panting and heaving over me...the thought of all his lies and all the hurt and everything that follows when you dare to love man. I can't anymore.

Im sure it has something to do with pure exhaustion from trying. It has to be HIM he spoiled me...I am ruined.

Will I ever allow someone in?
Or will I be a cynical lonely woman for the rest of my life?

What do you believe in when you've lost faith in love?

Where do I go from here?

"If you build it, they will come"

My field of dreams has become a desert, a barren wasteland, that no one will cross.
It burns with passion, engulfed in flames...but no one will come put the fire out.
In my field of dreams I wait in utter despair hoping that he will come.

"If you build it, they will come"

It is only when I accept the dry ash my fruitless garden has become; only when I close up the access, each orphice of my body; only when I build the dam to they flock to me.

The last few days I needed someone. Anyone. I was lonely, really there is no other way to put it. The last days I have been clinging to anyone who would have my company. But today....today I woke up without a care for the male species. He, is...they are....IRRELEVANT. And due to my lack of admiration or disdain for the male species and my pure and sincere indifference resulted in every man including HIM to flock to my woman breast for feed.

Nay.

When they come.

I no longer welcome them.

Why is it that only when you close yourself off from the world. When you dam up the emotions and block your heart. Why is that when I no longer feel...they come?

For once id like to be open and let my emotions flood out, bathe them in my hopes and fears and all my love without drowning them.

AN ARRANGED MARRIAGE

Have you ever found the perfect guy but couldn't like him even if your life depended on it?

"I really should like him." You keep telling yourself.
"he's such a nice guy." You justify it.
"Hell do so much for me" you convince yourself.

But the heart cannot doth do, what the mind doth tells it to"

In other words...quit trying to arrange a marriage out of convenience, out of functionality and sheer desperation.

Love is random. Sporadic. And when you least expect it. Your mind will go numb and the heart will take over. That's love. All rationale out the window....